I know I talk about this all the time, but it’s something that I really struggle with. Rest. Taking me time. Letting my body recuperate. All the things that you are advised to do when you are ill. I have struggled with this my whole life. It’s sort of embedded in my DNA.
Learning to take a step back has been quite a journey for me. It’s not something that is readily taught in modern-day America. We are taught to chase our dreams. To push through the hard times. I know I’ve been a poster child for these mottos most of my life. One of the most common phrase I hear about myself is that I “burn the candle at both ends”.
I’m worn out and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I try to rest and take that me time. I just can’t put my mind at ease. Yes, I practice yoga and that helps. Those times that I just need to lay down and let my body rest, or take a nap. Those are the difficult times. The thoughts that swarm my head include, but are not limited to:
“I should be at work right now.”
“Look at all the dishes that need washing.”
“Dog hair is over-taking this house.”
“Why won’t this person text me back?”
“It’s such a nice day out. I wish I could enjoy it.”
“I wish I could write, but my brain is so foggy.”
We discovered that I have rhinovirus (a.k.a. the common cold) again. Instead of acting like a normal cold, though, it exacerbates my CF symptoms. It also likes to stick around for an obscenely long time. I am just so tired and icky (technical term) feeling. I am drained starting the minute I wake up. Then the coughing sets in and the icky feeling just gets worse.
I spent 3 weeks on IV antibiotics because we thought it was an exacerbation. When I got worse, despite being on IVs for 2 weeks already, we got worried. Was I going to have to get admitted? How much had I over-worked myself? Luckily, my doctor decided to swab me for viral. This is one of the most uncomfortable tests, but I’m glad that we did it. Basically, they stick a swab in the back of your throat and up your nose. The one that goes up your nose is by far the worse of the two, in my opinion.
Other testing they did was a chest CT. The CT showed us nothing (which is good). In fact, my CT scan is showing improvement from the one I had done in March. Hopefully this means that the long-term antibiotic treatment that I’m on is doing its job!
So, with a boost of prednisone and some good old-fashioned doctor’s advice for some rest, I headed home. The journey of the last month has led me back to this issue that I always circle back to. How to take me time. I still don’t know how, and I doubt I will ever learn. Alas, here are some of the things I’ve been getting back into/trying out: ukulele, piano, singing, working from home, making friends.
So far this week has held a lot of time on my couch or bed, a lot of guilt for working from home and not at work, a rekindled appreciation for music that I had let slide, a mental break down, and healing. Not a perfect journey, but it’s my journey. Thank you for coming along with me!